11 March 2007

All apologies

When I walked into my cubicle this Sunday morning, I noticed my phone's message light flashing. Thinking my mom must have been trying to reach me, I picked up the receiver and skipped right past the message details to the message itself. I wasn't prepared for what I was about to hear.

The call was placed at 4:16pm Saturday evening. It sounded as though a woman's phone had dialed my number from insider her purse, or maybe that she'd dialed a number and then placed the receiver on a table. The entire 4-minute message was muffled, but I could distinctly hear two women yelling in the background, presumably at passers-by their house. Well, "house" may be too kind an assumption - from the story that unfolded, "trailer" seems more appropriate.

Following is my best attempt at a transcript of the message. Imagine all of this read in the scratchiest, highest-pitched smoker's voice you possibly can.

That b*tch...c'mon baby, let's go. I'm taking my baseball bat with
me

(muffled conversation)

And that mother-f*ckin...f*ckin.

Wooooo-hooo! Yes I will. I'm taking my bat. He'll
never do that to me again. Ever.

(baby noises)

Ahhhhh! I hate all you motherf*ckers!!

(dog barking)

Crackhead Joe!

(muffled conversation)

I hate this. I'm crazy.

Crackhead Joe. Crackhead. Uh...get out of here, Joe, and go
home. (bark) Nobody wants you up here, so lay off, b*tch.
F*cking crackhead b*tch. Go f*ck some (??) with Joe.

I'm taking my bat with me, you f*ck with me, you f*ck with the wrong
mother. Crackhead Joe! (bark)

(singing) In the sun, in the sun I feel as one, Maaary.

I'll kill him, Goddammit...now I ain't got no (muffled).
No!

How 'bout that, Dean? (laughing) He thinks he's so f*cking bad

Can anyone tell me if this is from a movie? That's the only logical explanation I can formulate. Aside, of course, from the obvious explanation that some crazy broad went on a meth-fueled rampage through her trailer park.

My favorite part is when she sings the Nirvana song. Maybe I should forward this to Courtney Love. Hmmm...maybe it is Courtney Love.

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